[Reading level: B2 – Upper Intermediate]
One weekend evening, while sitting with a group of friends at a restaurant, 36-year-old Duc could only force a smile at a joke made by an acquaintance: “In this family, the wife is the CEO, while the husband is just an employee, right.”
Everyone burst out laughing. His wife laughed too. Only Duc remained silent.
On the way home, the remark kept repeating itself in his mind. It was not the first time he had heard comments like that. For months, ever since his wife had been promoted and her income had tripled, friends, relatives, and even neighbors had unintentionally turned the matter into a subject for jokes.
Duc works as an administrative employee for a private company, earning around 17 million VND a month. Meanwhile, his wife runs an online cosmetics business and regularly brings home 20–30 million VND, besides her salary. She has become the person who pays for most of the family’s expenses, from their child’s school fees and home renovations to major investments.
At first, Duc thought this was completely normal. Whoever earned more should contribute more. But over time, he realized that he was becoming less and less involved in the family’s decisions. Whenever he wanted to buy something for work or give his opinion on financial plans, he felt as though he had to ask for permission.
What made him uncomfortable was not that his wife refused. On the contrary, she always listened and eventually agreed. However, questions such as “Do you really need it?” or “Why don’t we buy it next month instead?” unintentionally made him feel that his value was being weighed against the figures on his payslip.
Gradually, Duc became silent.
He no longer took the initiative to discuss money or give his opinion whenever the family planned to make a purchase or investment. Gatherings with friends also became emotionally exhausting because he feared someone would mention the difference between his income and his wife’s. At night, he would lie awake for hours, constantly wondering whether he was still someone his family could rely on.
Duc is not alone.
At a hospital in Hanoi, a 35-year-old man was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder after months of insomnia caused by the feeling that he “no longer had a voice” in his family because he earned less than his wife. In Ho Chi Minh City, another husband earns 10–15 million VND a month, while his wife earns 50–70 million VND. He takes care of almost all the household chores, from cooking and taking the children to school to cleaning the house. On the outside, people praise him as the “perfect househusband.” But inside, feelings of inferiority drive him to take on extra work, become exhausted, and then turn to alcohol for relief.
Stories like these are becoming increasingly common in modern families as the balance of income between husbands and wives gradually changes. What is worth noting is that what causes many men to break down is not simply how much money they earn, but the psychological meaning they attach to those figures.
A 15-year study involving around 6,000 married couples, conducted by Dr. Joanna Syrda, an economist at the University of Bath School of Management in the United Kingdom, found that men experienced the lowest levels of stress when their wives’ income accounted for around 40% of the total household income. When this proportion exceeded 40%, the husband’s stress level tended to increase accordingly.
In Vietnam, a 2022 VnExpress survey also found that 27% of men wanted psychological counseling to relieve pressure related to money and career. Meanwhile, data from Brightside show that around 30% of men experience depression at some point in their lives, yet most choose to hide it until their condition becomes worse.
According to Dr. Nguyen Viet Chung from the Department of Mental Health at E Hospital, the root cause lies in cultural expectations that have been deeply ingrained for generations. From an early age, many boys are taught that men must be successful, take financial responsibility, and protect their families. When reality no longer matches that model, they can easily develop a sense of failure, even if their family is still happy and financially secure.
It is this conflict between social expectations and real life that creates a psychological crisis. Men begin comparing themselves with others, doubting their own worth, and viewing income as the only measure of their role as a husband and father. The harder they try to prove themselves by working longer hours, taking on extra jobs, or shouldering responsibilities beyond their ability, the more likely they are to fall into a cycle of exhaustion, anxiety, and insomnia.
The pressure becomes even more dangerous because many men are taught that they should not complain or show weakness. Instead of seeking support, they remain silent. According to Dr. Vu Son Tung, Deputy Head of the Department for Mood Disorders at Bach Mai Hospital, depression in men rarely begins with tears. Instead, it is often disguised as irritability, back pain, digestive problems, persistent headaches, alcohol or substance abuse, or risky behavior.
Experts believe it is time to reconsider the concept of being the “pillar of the family.” A man’s value should not be measured only by his salary, but also by the emotional support he provides, his involvement in raising the children, and his quiet contributions to family life. At the same time, wives play an important role in recognizing their husbands’ non-financial contributions instead of unintentionally making comparisons that deepen feelings of inadequacy.
More importantly, when warning signs such as insomnia, anxiety, irritability, or sadness last for several weeks, seeking help from a mental health professional or medical facility is not a sign of weakness. It is a way to prevent an invisible burden from developing into a genuine illness.
WORD BANK:
force a smile /fɔːrs ə smaɪl/ (v): gượng cười
acquaintance /əˈkweɪn.təns/ [B2] (n): người quen
burst out laughing /bɝːst aʊt ˈlæf.ɪŋ/ (v): bật cười
remark /rɪˈmɑːrk/ [B2] (n): lời nhận xét, lời nói
triple /ˈtrɪp.əl/ [B2] (v): tăng gấp ba
unintentionally /ˌʌn.ɪnˈten.ʃən.əl.i/ [C1] (adv): một cách vô tình
administrative employee /ədˈmɪn.ə.streɪ.tɪv ɪmˈplɔɪ.iː/ (n): nhân viên hành chính
cosmetics /kɑːzˈmet̬.ɪks/ [B2] (n): mỹ phẩm
home renovation /hoʊm ˌren.əˈveɪ.ʃən/ (n): việc sửa chữa, cải tạo nhà
be involved in sth /ɪnˈvɑːlvd/ [B2] (adj): tham gia vào, có liên quan đến
as though /æz ðoʊ/ [B2] (conj): như thể
ask for permission /æsk fɔːr pɚˈmɪʃ.ən/ (v): xin phép
be weighed against sth /weɪd əˈɡenst/ (v): được đem ra so sánh với cái gì
payslip /ˈpeɪ.slɪp/ (n): phiếu lương
take the initiative to do sth /ɪˈnɪʃ.ə.t̬ɪv/ [B2] (v): chủ động làm gì
make a purchase /ˈpɝː.tʃəs/ (v): thực hiện một giao dịch mua hàng
emotionally exhausting /ɪˈmoʊ.ʃən.əl.i ɪɡˈzɑː.stɪŋ/ (adj): kiệt sức về mặt cảm xúc
be diagnosed with sth /ˌdaɪ.əɡˈnoʊst/ [B2] (v): được chẩn đoán mắc
anxiety disorder /æŋˈzaɪ.ə.t̬i dɪsˈɔːr.dɚ/ (n): rối loạn lo âu
insomnia /ɪnˈsɑːm.ni.ə/ [C1] (n): chứng mất ngủ
household chore /ˈhaʊs.hoʊld tʃɔːr/ (n): việc nhà
househusband /ˈhaʊsˌhʌz.bənd/ (n): người chồng ở nhà nội trợ
feelings of inferiority /ˈfiː.lɪŋz əv ɪnˌfɪr.iˈɔːr.ə.t̬i/ (n): cảm giác tự ti
drive sb to do sth /draɪv ˈsʌmˌbɑː.di tə duː/ [B2] (v): khiến ai phải làm gì
take on (work/job) /teɪk ɑːn/ [B2] (v): nhận thêm (công việc)
relief /rɪˈliːf/ [B2] (n): sự giải tỏa, nhẹ nhõm
worth noting /wɝːθ ˈnoʊ.t̬ɪŋ/ (adj): đáng lưu ý
break down /breɪk daʊn/ [B2] (v): suy sụp
attach to /əˈtætʃ tuː/ [B2] (v): gắn với, gán cho
conduct /kənˈdʌkt/ [B2] (v): tiến hành
account for /əˈkaʊnt fɔːr/ [B2] (v): chiếm (tỷ lệ, phần trăm)
proportion /prəˈpɔːr.ʃən/ [B2] (n): tỷ lệ
exceed /ɪkˈsiːd/ [B2] (v): vượt quá
accordingly /əˈkɔːr.dɪŋ.li/ [C1] (adv): theo đó, tương ứng
psychological counseling /ˌsaɪ.kəˈlɑː.dʒɪ.kəl ˈkaʊn.səl.ɪŋ/ (n): tư vấn tâm lý
depression /dɪˈpreʃ.ən/ [B2] (n): trầm cảm
root cause /ruːt kɔːz/ (n): nguyên nhân gốc rễ
lie in sth /laɪ ɪn/ [B2] (v): nằm ở, bắt nguồn từ
deeply ingrained in sth /ˈdiːp.li ɪnˈɡreɪnd/ (adj): ăn sâu vào
match a model (v): phù hợp với một khuôn mẫu
failure /ˈfeɪl.jɚ/ [B2] (n): sự thất bại
conflict /ˈkɑːn.flɪkt/ [B2] (n): sự xung đột
social expectation /ˈsoʊ.ʃəl ˌek.spekˈteɪ.ʃən/ (n): kỳ vọng của xã hội
crisis /ˈkraɪ.sɪs/ [B2] (n): khủng hoảng
doubt sth /daʊt/ [B2] (v): nghi ngờ
one’s own worth /oʊn wɝːθ/ (n): giá trị của bản thân
measure /ˈmeʒ.ɚ/ [B2] (n): thước đo
shoulder sth /ˈʃoʊl.dɚ/ [C1] (v): gánh vác
fall into sth /fɔːl ˈɪn.tuː/ [B2] (v): rơi vào
a cycle of sth (n): một vòng luẩn quẩn của
exhaustion /ɪɡˈzɑːs.tʃən/ [C1] (n): sự kiệt sức
deputy head /ˈdep.jə.t̬i hed/ (n): phó trưởng
disguise /dɪsˈɡaɪz/ [B2] (v): che giấu, ngụy trang
irritability /ˌɪr.ə.t̬əˈbɪl.ə.t̬i/ (n): tính dễ cáu gắt
digestive /daɪˈdʒes.tɪv/ [B2] (adj): thuộc tiêu hóa
persistent /pɚˈsɪs.tənt/ [B2] (adj): dai dẳng
substance abuse /ˈsʌb.stəns əˌbjuːs/ (n): lạm dụng chất kích thích
concept /ˈkɑːn.sept/ [B2] (n): khái niệm
pillar /ˈpɪl.ɚ/ [B2] (n): trụ cột
involvement in sth /ɪnˈvɑːlv.mənt ɪn/ [B2] (n): sự tham gia, sự gắn bó với
deepen sth /ˈdiː.pən/ [C1] (v): làm sâu sắc hơn
the feeling of inadequacy /ɪnˈæd.ə.kwə.si/ (n): cảm giác mình không đủ tốt
invisible /ɪnˈvɪz.ə.bəl/ [B2] (adj): vô hình
burden /ˈbɝː.dən/ [B2] (n): gánh nặng
genuine /ˈdʒen.ju.ɪn/ [B2] (adj): thực sự, chân chính
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