[Reading level: C1 – Advanced]
Late one night in September, Mr. Thach unexpectedly sent letters to his four children, lamenting that he was “still uneasy because two of his daughters remain unmarried.”
“Could it be that heaven is teasing your parents?” the 68-year-old father concluded his letter. Thirty years ago, he and his wife had brought their four young children from a remote area to a small town in Nghe An province with the dream of giving them an education.
Today, all four of Mr. Thach’s children have graduated from university and have stable jobs. His two eldest sons married a decade ago, but his daughters, now 34 and 31, remain “indifferent to marriage.”
Mr. Thach, now at the twilight of his life, says he no longer desires a grand home or wealth, only that his children settle down soon.
His wife, 65-year-old Mrs. Hoa, also lies awake many nights worrying about the matter. She hopes her daughters marry not out of fear they’ll remain single but because she wants them to have someone to share their lives with. “We will die one day, and no matter how much the four siblings love each other, it cannot compare to a life partner,” she said.
The worry of late marriages for children, shared by Mr. and Mrs. Thach, is a psychological struggle for millions of Vietnamese parents. The traditional expectation of marriage before 30 clashes with the growing trend of valuing individual freedom over marriage.
The average marriage age in Vietnam has steadily increased in recent years. In 1999, it was 24.1, rising to 25.2 in 2019. By 2023, the average age for a first marriage had reached 27.2. In Ho Chi Minh City, this age exceeds 30.
Statistics show that the trends of singlehood, late marriage, and single-parent households, as well as the DINK lifestyle (dual income, no kids), are becoming more common. Meanwhile, many parents still hold the belief that “children are only happy when they marry.”
In a 2022 article in the Vietnamese Social Science Journal, sociologist Nguyen Huu Minh stated that the way Vietnamese people choose their partners has fundamentally changed in recent decades. Parents’ authority over their children’s marriage decisions has diminished significantly: only 4% of parents make the decision alone, 14% consult with their children before deciding, 69% let their children decide and then inform their parents, and 13% of children make the decision entirely on their own.
“Young people are less dependent on their families, so they have more autonomy. Personal factors in marriage are now emphasized more than family or lineage,” said the expert in family and gender studies.
On October 11th, at a seminar in Ho Chi Minh City on the topic of the city’s high marriage age and low birth rate, many parents expressed concern about their children marrying late. One mother complained that her 26-year-old daughter had just announced she would be going abroad for a master’s degree. The mother was bewildered, wondering, “If she’s still going to study, when will she get married and have children?”
According to Dr. Pham Thi Thuy, a sociologist and psychologist at the National Academy of Public Administration, there are three main reasons for this phenomenon. First, many Vietnamese parents want their children to settle down and have a family before they can feel at ease. Many do not see their children’s unmarried status as their children’s fault, but as their shortcoming. “The marriage of children becomes a key measure of whether parents have fulfilled their responsibilities,” Dr. Thuy explained.
Second, Vietnamese parents want to have grandchildren sooner. Many parents think that while they are still healthy, they want their children to marry and have children to help take care of them.
“In reality, marriage should be according to the children’s plans, but it is often forced to follow the ‘schedule’ of the parents,” the expert commented.
The third reason is the generational gap. While parents grew up in difficult times, children have been raised in more affluent conditions and are free to pursue their careers, interests, and broaden their horizons. Late marriage, or even not marrying at all, is becoming a trend.
In Thai Binh, 60-year-old Mrs. Ngoc Lan shared that for the past five years, she and her husband had repeatedly told their son, “Next year, you must bring home a bride.”
Her son, nearly 40 years old, remains indifferent to the idea of marriage. Mrs. Lan had once been proud of her son’s achievements—he went abroad to study and became a doctor—but now she sometimes regrets that she encouraged him to focus so much on his education.
She and her husband had arranged many matchmaking meetings for their son, but they all ended in failure. One time, Mrs. Lan set up a meeting with a girl who worked near her son’s office in Hanoi, but on the day of the meeting, he went to play football and forgot. Mrs. Lan angrily scolded him, “At this age, we should be enjoying our peace, but instead, we’re worrying because of you.” Her son replied, “My life should not be a concern for you,” before hanging up the phone.
For nearly a decade, Mr. Thach has been raising 50 free-range chickens and a couple of pigs every year to prepare for his children’s weddings, but has not yet been able to fulfill this goal. His wife has lost count of how many temples they have visited and rituals they’ve performed to find good matches for their children, but the desired son-in-law has yet to appear.
One of Mr. Thach’s daughters confided that her parents often pressured her with hurtful words. What pained her even more was that, because of their worries about her, her parents couldn’t enjoy their lives and kept saving money for her dowry.
She is determined to marry if she finds a suitable partner. “If I don’t marry, I would feel guilty towards my parents, but if I marry the wrong person and have an unhappy marriage, I would feel guilty to myself,” she shared.
Delving into the psychology of parents, expert La Linh Nga explained that many parents are trapped in their thinking and live according to traditional village norms, which means they face a great deal of social pressure.
Despite this, the majority still view marriage as a path to happiness, stability, and fulfillment in life. The next step after career stability is to settle down. When children marry late, parents naturally become anxious. They grow more anxious when they see people around them attending weddings and offering congratulations, which triggers a sense of being left behind and a desire to avoid social isolation.
Some react extremely by pushing, scrutinizing, nagging their children, and getting overly involved in their lives, which creates tension in the family.
“Even worse, there are those who, after a lifetime of hard work, should be able to rest at their old age but are instead suffering from health issues because of worrying about their children’s marriage,” the psychologist noted.
Dr. Pham Thi Thuy stated that changing the differences between parents and children is very difficult. “Whether there can be a consensus on marriage between parents and children depends on how many people realize that giving children freedom is also freeing themselves,” she said.
After a three-month “cold war,” Mrs. Lan and her son finally found common ground. When they gathered for a memorial ceremony, her son openly told his parents, “Marriage is my decision; please allow me to decide for myself.”
“During that time, I also came to my senses. Now I live for myself; whatever happens with his marriage, I don’t care,” she said.
As for Mr. and Mrs. Thach, they still haven’t been able to fully let go. Whenever advised to “live happily and healthily, enjoying the blessings with their children and grandchildren,” they just sigh. “We’ve sacrificed our whole lives for our children, and now the only thing left is to see them married, but it hasn’t been realized,” he said.
Source: https://vnexpress.net/cuoc-chien-tam-ly-cua-cha-me-viet-khi-con-ket-hon-muon-4802920.html
WORD BANK:
lament /ləˈment/ (v): than thở
uneasy /ʌnˈiː.zi/ [B2] (adj): không yên lòng
tease /tiːz/ [B2] (v): đùa giỡn
conclude sth /kənˈkluːd/ [C1] (v): kết thúc cái gì
indifferent to sth /ɪnˈdɪf.ɚ.ənt/ [C2] (adj): dửng dưng với chuyện gì, thờ ơ với cái gì
at the twilight of his life /ˈtwaɪ.laɪt/ (adv): đã bên kia sườn dốc cuộc đời
settle down /ˈset̬.əl/ (v): yên bề gia thất
out of sth [B2] (pre): bởi vì cái gì
psychological /ˌsaɪ.kəˈlɑː.dʒɪ.kəl/ [B2] (adj): thuộc về tâm lý
clash /klæʃ/ [C2] (v): va chạm
singlehood (n): tình trạng độc thân
DINK (dual income, no kids) (n): vợ chồng không con
fundamental /ˌfʌn.dəˈmen.t̬əl/ [C2] (adj): cơ bản
authority /əˈθɔːr.ə.t̬i/ [B2] (n): quyền quyết định
diminish /dɪˈmɪn.ɪʃ/ [C1] (v): suy giảm
consult /kənˈsʌlt/ [C1] (v): hỏi ý kiến
autonomy /ɑːˈtɑː.nə.mi/ (n): tự chủ
lineage /ˈlɪn.i.ɪdʒ/ (n): dòng họ
seminar /ˈsem.ə.nɑːr/ [B2] (n): buổi tọa đàm
announce /əˈnaʊns/ [B1] (v): thông báo
bewilder sb /bɪˈwɪl.dɚ/ (v): làm ai hoang mang
phenomenon /fəˈnɑː.mə.nɑːn/ (n): hiện tượng
feel at ease [B2] (v): thấy yên lòng
fault /fɑːlt/ [B1] (n): vấn đề
shortcoming /ˈʃɔːrtˌkʌm.ɪŋ/ [C1] (n): khuyết điểm
fulfill responsibility (v): làm tròn trách nhiệm
affluent /ˈæf.lu.ənt/ [C1] (adj): giàu có, xung túc
broaden one’s horizons /həˈraɪ.zənz/ [C1] (v): mở rộng tầm nhìn
bride /braɪd/ [b1] (n): nàng dâu
matchmaking /ˈmætʃˌmeɪ.kɪŋ/ (n): xem mắt
scold sb /skoʊld/ (v): mắng mỏ ai đó
free-range chicken /ˌfriːˈreɪndʒ/ (n): gà đồi
lose count of sth (idiom): không còn nhớ có bao nhiêu
ritual /ˈrɪtʃ.u.əl/ [C2] (n): nghi lễ
confide /kənˈfaɪd/ (v): tâm sự
hurtful /ˈhɝːt.fəl/ (adj): tổn thương
dowry /ˈdaʊ.ri/ (n): hồi môn
delve into sth /delv/ (v): đi sâu vào cái gì
norm /nɔːrm/ [C1] (n): chuẩn mực (văn hóa)
trigger sth /ˈtrɪɡ.ɚ/ [C1] (v): gây ra cái gì
scrutinize /ˈskruː.t̬ən.aɪz/ (v): soi xét
nag /næɡ/ (v): cằn nhằn
tension /ˈten.ʃən/ [B2] (n): căng thẳng
consensus /kənˈsen.səs/ [C2] (n): sự đồng thuận
find common ground /ˌkɑː.mən ˈɡraʊnd/ (v): tìm được tiếng nói chung
blessing /ˈbles.ɪŋ/ (n): phúc
sigh /saɪ/ [B2] (v): thở dài
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